Body shaming is never ok….

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This goes out to anyone who goes to a gym, fuck it this is for anyone who’s focused on their fitness.

It is never under any circumstances ok to ridicule and laugh at someone who might be bigger than you while they work out. It is never safe to assume that just because someone has earbuds in their ears they can’t hear what you are saying. It is never ok the mock somebody who is struggling through their work out. NEVER! this happened to me today and I’m so emotionally and just flat out physically sick over this shit. I’ve battled with my weight my entire life. It’s the realest struggle and hardest fight I’ve ever been in. Shit I’m still in this fight. Maybe you don’t realize when you don’t look like what is considered “normal” how much harder things can be. The looks, the side eyes, the under breath comments all take their toll. No one wants to hear “look at that guy” as their shuffling between songs. No one! It is already hard enough at times to get the motivation to want to go and hit the gym to work out and now you throw this shit on top of it? Where does it stop?

In 2018 are we still body shaming people? I’m sorry I’m not 275lbs in great shape and I’m able to body these workouts. I’m sorry it makes you so uncomfortable to see me try and better myself that you choose to shame me thinking i can’t hear you? I’m more sorry for you though, what inside you is so fucked up that this is the shit you choose to do? How much do you hate yourself that you have to shame someone who’s over weight?

Yea you thought i didn’t hear your words and didn’t see the looks on you and your friend faces. You were wrong. I heard every second, and instead of confronting you face to face i walked away. I did so because as much as I wanted to call you out on your bullshit, as much as I wanted to be petty and do something in retaliation I chose to do something I don’t always do and that’s walk away and be the bigger person. Believe me I wanted to fuck you two up and just deal with the consequences but then who wins? You do. So today you’ll get your free pass and I’ll hope that maybe just maybe you won’t be such a piece of shit human being in the future and maybe just maybe you’ll come on over and offer some words of encouragement or a simple head nod.

Don’t make things harder for folks like me…

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I wrote this in October when I didn’t think there was a chance in hell our next president would be a badly spray tanned bigot. Low and behold the joke was on all of us….

“May I have your attention as I sound off,
Filters permanently off,
I speak my mind to what those would refer to as a fault,
My lack of caring it’s really not my fault,
Check it I’m about to drop jewels from my vault,
This course its free and could never be self taught ,

I orchestrate symphonies with my voice as my instrument,
These punchlines mute mimes casualties of wars this shits explosive,
Land mines…
Hash tagged rapped mine,
But I’m just a poet with a divine mind,
Minding mine,
While y’all search for rare stones my clarity is a rarity,
Giving back but this ain’t charity ,
At times my lines they reek of vulgarity,
But who gives a fuck when these punches leave lumps and disfigure the figures hastily chosen to look over are homes,
How can you sit idly while the tides they swing so wildly,
A pompous jack ass spewing hate yet some of you applaud and lobby for him to be the victor,
You fear fault lines?
I fear this mans hate shaking the richter…”

free write!

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I figure it’s been entirely too long since I sat down and actually threw some words together.  This will come out as it should, no edits, it may make no sense but who cares.  This is me with a 10 minute time limit to see what I can pull out of the cells of my brain.  Lately I have felt like this self-imposed bit of writers block isn’t self-imposed at all but more a situation where I plain and simply can’t write.  And not that I can’t write, I can’t write for shit.  Yeah I know that is harsh but it’s true.  My standards won’t allow me to just write to write.  To fill a page with nonsense and bullshit.  I am not that guy.  My words hold weight and the emotions that fuel them are oh so real.  I wonder if my writing will ever come back to me.  I mean previously I was pretty damn good at drawing and that all just went by the wayside.  I can’t draw to save my life now.  I am hoping that is not what is happening here but I worry.  I have accomplished so much yet so little with my writing.  I look back at previous work and I am amazed at what I have done because simply I can’t do that anymore.  I don’t know what it is that is keeping everything inside me or hell if there is even anything else left inside.  Gone are the days of me walking across cumulous clouds reciting my life’s work, no more of me verbally dissecting the English language with only a pen and a pad for my weapons because my pen is mightier than any sword and no enemy shall defeat me when I am working.  Those days seem like the past.  A time when things were simpler a time when I didn’t worry about my next piece, a time when I couldn’t wait to scroll on blank pages and leave heads shaking in amazement while I floated across stages giving them everything that I had in me.  I already feel like this has gone downhill but that is just the writer in me.  I write when I feel like I need to not because you want me to, but then there’s that, you wanting me to.  Because honestly I want you to want me to.  I don’t do this for validation I do this for the sake of creation.  I feel like I have created a legacy with my pen strokes.  Something that when I am gone and never coming back people can look back and say you know what “he was dope”.  Because don’t let it fool you I think I am, no, better yet I know I am.  The beast is currently nesting but trust that when he comes back everyone will know because I have yet to create my masterpiece and one day it will be seen and heard and you will know exactly why I am me.  Realizes One’s Knowledge and I am Raising Only Kingdoms….how’s that for a throwback!

 

p.s. troy ave fucking SUCKS!

The Dream That Became My Reality….

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You are the dream that became reality, 

My reality,

 

And at times it’s so hard to believe,

 

But I’m the man that you have chosen and your choice gives life to me,

 

These types of things never happened for me,

 

At least they didn’t,

 

I’m so happy to be able to say to that, good riddance,

 

You’ve given life to a man who long feared his heart would stay hidden,

 

And those walls that surrounded me slowly they came down,

 

Due to your smile which should be on display in a museum,

 

A pair of eyes that light the night sky,

 

Combined with a kiss that’s lit the fire of desire,

 

You’re everything I could ask for yet to you there’s so much more,

 

Your heart inspires me,

 

Your passion, 
your quick wit,

 

Your love for life,

 

And this chance you’ve given me,

 

I can only hope to live up to those expectations,

 

And I pray that I exceed,

 

Because for you I’d risk everything,

 

I would give everything,

 

Just to get a glimpse of this woman from my dreams,

 

The same woman who chose to take a leap with me,

 

You’re doing things to me no one’s ever seen,

 

I’m out of my shell,

 

Experiencing everything,

 

You see there are layers to my complexities,

 

And you break them down effortlessly,

 

You are the dream that became reality, 

 

My reality, 

 

And at times it’s so hard to believe,

 

Thank you for choosing me…

To My Brother

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21 year ago today I became a big brother once again. The difference for me this time was that I got to experience this from birth and at 13 I’d remember it all. My how the time has flown and I’ve watched this amazing kid grow up before my eyes. I never thought  I would have a brother so when we all found out that my pops and step mom were having a baby it was pretty exciting. Being a die hard Suns fan who’s favorite basketball player on the team was Cedric Ceballos I instantly wanted to name him “Cedric”, in hindsight I will say that Marcus was a much better option for a name.  From the moment I held him all I wanted to be was the best big brother I could be, and although at times I’m sure I’ve come up short, for the most part I think I’ve done a pretty good job. I miss the days of picking him up to go to the movies or to Atomic Comics. I miss him being no more than 3 saying “Wu-Tang” because his big brother was obsessed with them. To the point where I made a screen in art class to make him a Wu-Tang t-shirt. Yea he may have been one of the only 3 year olds at the time with one of those. There are so many memories associated with my brother. I loved watching him play soccer and hockey, a sport I wasn’t always that into but watching him play made me a fan. My brother is an awesome kid and although he’s now 21 I will always see him as my baby brother.  He’s now my gym buddy, shit talking buddy and movie buddy. He’s grown into a remarkable young man and I can’t wait to see where his life takes him. To say I’m proud of him would be an understatement.  So to Marcus aka Meeks The Jerk Happy 21st Birthday!  Always know your big brother is there for you and know that I love you and am so happy that I can say that I am your brother. Tonight we get to do something we have never been able to do in public and that’s have a drink together!  I love you goon.   

all things in due time. 

I haven’t wrote in months. Call it self imposed writers block or call it me not wanting to let what’s inside out. Healthy or not this tends to be apart of my creative process. That doesn’t mean it gets any easier every time it happens which for whatever reason seems to be a lot. Trust me I want to get everything out. Every sentence, every paragraph, and I will. Each line will resonate with the other and when it’s all said and done my writing will bleed the honesty that it all stems from. Until that day comes though I stay silent and wait as the words come together in my mind and get manifested onto paper, or should I say until my fingers manipulate these keys and begin to play their role in my life’s symphony.

Her Name is Banks…

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I am not sure that I will ever be able to put into words just how important music is in my life.  It’s cliché to call it the soundtrack to our lives but for me music absolutely is.  I have had a love for it for as long as I can remember and it’s something that puts a smile on my face.  So many of my memories can be tied to songs or albums I was listening to and I love that.  Hearing a song and instantly being taken back to a place, whether good or bad.  There is nothing like discovering a new artist and instantly being drawn to them.  For me, the harsh music critic who for the most part likes absolutely nothing this is incredibly rare.  Thing is it happened a few months ago and I was absolutely floored.  A friend of mine shot me a link one day and I decided to give it a listen since I respected her opinion.  The link led me to a sound cloud page and the title of the song was “Are You That Somebody (Acoustic Version).  I’d be lying if I didn’t start judging this before even hearing it.  I mean come on, covering an Aaliyah record?  To me this is borderline blasphemous because of the way I loved Aaliyah’s music.  But I decided to press play.  Thirty seconds in and I wasn’t mad at all.  The voice I heard was fresh and new and I wanted to hear more.  So I spent the next hour or so going through her sound cloud page and I became an instant fan.  It had been sometime since I had heard anything that grabbed me like she did. Song after song and I was amazed by what I was hearing.  So amazed that I did something I hadn’t done in forever really, I went to iTunes and preordered her album “Goddess”.  I was about a month and a half early as the release date was a ways out but I was happy that pre-ordering the album got me 4 songs.  Little did I know that I would have those songs on repeat for the next week or so.

I hadn’t heard a voice like hers in so long that it was a breath of fresh air for me.  In all reality the last time I was moved by a voice was when I first heard Amy Winehouse sing and before that it was the way I felt the first time I heard Beth Gibbons on a track.  I know, I know, placing this artist in that company is a lofty statement, but for me it is one that is true.  Over the next few weeks songs would be released and I would be absolutely in love with each of them.  Another amazing thing was sharing this new found musical discovery with others and having them all tell me how incredible she is.  This for me validated everything I had thought about her.  People who know me know that I don’t get excited about artists like this so when I do I think people pay attention.  I would be lying if the anticipation for the album was killing me because it absolutely was.  Being in the digital age there is one advantage, albums leak early.  Yes I know this is a problem and is frowned upon but when I came across the leak for this album about a week early I instantly clicked the download button.  I mean I didn’t feel too bad being that I had already preordered this.  Once downloaded I placed it on my iPod and the next day at work I listened to it three times front to back.  I had feared disappointment honestly because let’s face it these days albums are filled with a whole lot of filler and not a lot of actual substance.  Boy was I wrong.  From start to finish I couldn’t find a song that I didn’t like.  Yes there are a couple that might not be as strong as some of my favorites but they are still good.  Being able to press play and not worry about skipping songs is a rare thing these days and that’s what makes this album and artist that much more special.  I want to also say that her album is easily the best album I have heard this year and could honestly be one of if not thee best I have heard in the last three to four years.

I am sure some of you know who I am writing this about and that’s ok, for those of you that do not, her name is Banks.  I cannot say this enough times, please check her out.  Take a chance like I did.  Step outside your box a little bit and I promise you will not be disappointed.  I mean when is the last time that you became a fan of someone hearing only one song?  I am that fan, the guy that ordered a signed copy of the “Goddess” album on vinyl.  I am that fan, the guy that grabs any remix of hers I can find.  I am that fan, the guy who posts about her a lot on social media. I am that fan, the guy that wants you all to join me in enjoying her music.  I am that fan.

For those of you in the Santa Ana area you can check her out live on New Years Eve.  I can’t lie, I wish I could afford to make the trip out to see her because she is on my concert bucket list.

http://www.hernameisbanks.com/

Timing is everything…

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It is safe to say that it is wedding season. I have been to three weddings in the past 6 weeks and that’s more than I had been to in the past two years. Thing is, I love weddings and the idea that Love does still exist. You see love is the one thing that has proven to be the most unattainable in my life. I am old fashioned. I still believe in love and the idea of it. Going to these weddings and seeing the ultimate display of love gives me so much hope while at the same time reminding me of what I desire the most. Love. Meeting that someone, that one person who completes who you are. The person you know you want to share a lifetime with. A lifetime that begins with an introduction, that turns into that first date and slowly it blossoms into that magical moment, the first kiss. That kiss is the foundation to where things will go. That kiss is the first bit of intimacy that sets you on a path that has you walking down that aisle to give yourself to someone else as you say those words, I do.

Being a man who is as in touch and as aware of his emotions is an absolute battle. I do not hide my emotions well, normally if something is wrong it is written all over my face. I take things to heart and when it comes to matters of, it’s intensified even more. At the age of 34 there have been three instances where I have rolled the dice and threw myself out there with the hopes that my words and my actions would be enough to work towards what I want in my life most, Love. It’s crazy writing and sharing all of this but I am an open book and there is not a part of me who is ashamed or embarrassed to say these things. I am aware that I am a rare breed in a lot of ways. I tend to take things very slow, to a fault sometimes. I also absolutely believing in courting, seriously where has that gone? I firmly believe that if you want to be with someone you should be more than willing to put in the work to get to where you want to be. Having the mindset that I do at times things can be beyond challenging.

So yeah to come back to me throwing myself out there and never getting the chance to take that next step, it takes its toll. I blame myself in these instances. At times it’s a lack of confidence on my part but most importantly it’s all about timing, and let’s face it, I have the worst timing. Like my timing is so bad that I could have a broken watch and the old phrase “a broken clock is right twice a day” absolutely would not apply to me. It’s just the way things have been for me. So for the most part I keep to myself. I keep my emotions to myself. I stay shut off to the world. That is until I meet someone and something is triggered inside me and that closed door of mine slowly cracks open. Even with that I am still beyond cautious and I’ll battle with sharing my feelings because let’s face it doing so makes you vulnerable. Yet I do it anyways. Why? For that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe things will be different. Things will work out. That I will tell her how I feel about her and I’ll see that undeniable smile that I’ve been a fan of since day one. That as my heart is about to jump out of my chest because it is beating so hard it slowly calms down for a moment only to pick up the pace yet again. Because I have decided to roll the dice, be aggressive as I normally am not and make that move I have wanted to make for so long, and then it happens. Finally. The first kiss, crossing a line that has one of two outcomes. The first kiss, electric. So electric that that kiss lasts, it lingers, it stays around for some time. It’s slow, it’s fast, its soft, it’s hard, it’s that kiss. Passionate, and deep, that kiss. That special moment where you connect with someone and you forget about everything else that’s going on in your life because you are stuck in that moment enjoying that kiss. Kissing is everything because if the chemistry is not there from that kiss you know what you have to do next. But when that chemistry is there all you can think about repeating that kiss again and again. Up until a week ago I had forgotten what it is like to experience a kiss like that. To kiss someone like that. To mean it, not just a quick kiss. But a kiss that continues and multiplies as fast as seconds tick away. Like I said, that kiss that leaves you lost in the moment because of the intensity. I had missed that feeling.

Timing. It is everything and I’ve realized that the hard way. No matter of the things said, the feelings that are there, the chemistry that exists if the timing isn’t right it simply won’tmatter. Knowing what I do, and knowing what I’ve been shown makes things that much harder. Because if the timing was right, I wouldn’t be writing this now. If the timing was right the leap would be taken. The chance that I’ve yet to be given would be had. Such is the story of my life. An absolutely amazing woman crosses paths with mine and we vibe well together. We laugh together, we share some amazing times together, we enjoy one another, we just can’t be together. She tells me “I’m so afraid to fall for you” and I was just as afraid to fall for her. Because I would.

Groove Candy

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Let me start this off by saying that in Phoenix, there will never be another Groove Candy.  When I say that I am referring to where it all began, Wednesday nights at The Door.  For those who weren’t fortunate enough to be a part of Groove Candy from the beginning I feel bad for you.  Groove Candy was in my opinion the best club night that the valley has ever seen.  It was a night unlike any other and was the brain child of my friend Karlie Hustle and DJ M2.  Where else could you go on a Wednesday night and vibe to hip-hop and neo-soul all night?  Not to mention there were the Jesus candles on the tables next to assorted pieces of candy.  This night grew and it was the ultimate mix of people.  I mean the city came out week after week.  It didn’t take long for this night to really catch on and get some traction.  Groove Candy was also an incredibly peaceful night.  I don’t recall there ever being any incidents and for a club night that in itself is pretty rare.

Furthermore I miss those days. New York is on the eve of Karlie throwing her first Groove Candy event in the city and I am bummed I couldn’t make it out there to be a part of it.  I honestly think a lot of my people feel that way.  Groove Candy was our night.  I can comfortably say that our circle of friends owned a good portion of The Door.  I mean damn I had my own booth that I occupied consistently for at least two years straight.  Yea that’s right, I was a fixture there every week.  To the point where I was good with the owner as well as the bartenders and the incredibly attractive servers who navigated their way through packed crowds to keep the drinks flowing.  Speaking of drinks, New Castle sales had to have spiked during this time because that’s pretty much all that we drank there.  Looking back at some older photos from Groove Candy so many memories come to mind.  I had multiple birthday parties there, helped friends celebrate multiple birthdays there, So many good times.  There’s even the now infamous “lemonade lap dance”, those who catch that reference will be laughing I am sure.  It’s crazy writing this and it makes me miss the night.  I mean Groove Candy did continue after leaving The Door, but there was always something missing.  The music was still dope, the people were still there, it just didn’t have the feel The Door had.  Speaking of the people, some of the most important relationships I have in my life are rooted from this night.  Friendships solidified, inner circles grew just a little bit.  Sharing drinks and laughs and “good hip-hop times” like we all did together is what made this night special.  I don’t think I am alone in my feelings about Groove Candy.  It was the best we will most likely ever have.  I know that says a lot but like I said unless you were there you most likely won’t get it.

To Karlie, my friend and someone I admire for everything she has done I say thank you for giving us something that we can all look back on and smile about.  You helped bring so many people together and gave us a place we could all go to and be ourselves.  There will never be another venue like The Door and there will never be another night in the city like Groove Candy.  I hope that New York shows out for you and it’s as successful as it was here.  Maybe in a couple years we can get a 10 Year Anniversary edition in Phoenix and all of the original Groove Candy heads can get together on more time and vibe out like we used to!  Love ya dewds!

P.S. KNOCKERS